Unsolicited Advice for New Parents

I've got a couple of friends who are new parents and parents to-be.  As somebody who's been a new parent, I recall vividly the lost feeling of arriving home with Alexandria, wondering exactly what we were supposed to do.  Conceptually, I understood that we'd undertaken the most challenging task of our lives, but she was just sort of sleeping.  Wasn't something supposed to happen?

I recall feeling nervous the first night, since we'd already experienced two sleepless nights in the hospital. I felt unsure and insecure in the face of a 7 lb. person who could only cry.  The next few months would not be any different.

Two weeks into our parenting adventure, I realized that I hadn't slept more than 4 hours uninterrupted, yet I drove, made food, did laundry, and attempted to keep house.  I operated in constant state of sleep deprivation.  About a month into it, all of my stores of joy and excitement were depleted.  I took the night shift, and stayed up until 12 or 1 am for the midnight feeding.  Many nights, I simply could not console our little girl back to sleep.  She cried, screamed, and wailed, and I could only hold her helplessly, many times in tears.  She often worked herself into such a hunger-induced frenzy that she didn't realize for many minutes that she could nurse.  I would sit exposed with a crying baby at my chest, weeping, praying for her to latch on.

It was not fun.  It was not fun at all.  Until I joined a Baby and Me class, I didn't know that EVERY other parent shared a similar version of the same experience.  I needed that information.  I needed to know there was nothing wrong with me.  I needed to know that I was doing a good job, but that parenting is really tough.  I learned that some days you might not want to get out of bed, and that's OK.  There might even  be a part of you that resents this little person who won't let you sleep.  If you're concerned about the way you feel, consult your doctor.

So, my unsolicited advice to new parents is to drop the myth.  Just forget everything you heard about this being the happiest time of your life.

The first few months with a baby may not be "fun."  Your baby eats, sleeps, and poops.  You are the sole provider of everything, and she gives little or nothing in return.  No smiles, rolling over, laughing...nothing.  You experience the bittersweetness of switching out Newborn clothes to 0-3 Months, and upward.  You get excited when she drinks 6 oz. for the first time.  She'll never be 8 pounds again!  But it's not fun.  You may feel too exhausted to enjoy it.

If you don't feel like every day is Sunshine & Roses, you're not alone.  Millions of parents feel the same way.  How can anyone be expected to feel joy while operating on 13 hours sleep in 4 days?  You love this kid so much and would lie on the tracks for them, but man, if they would only let you sleep once through the night!
Here's what I'll tell you, though.  It ends.  I found that around 3 months, parenting starts getting fun.  You'll wake up one morning and realize, "I didn't get up last night.  She slept through the night!"  They begin to smile, coo, and giggle.  They recognize you.  They start doing "cute" things, like putting rings in their mouths and shaking rattles.  From there, life gets crazier, and exponentially more exciting.

Remember that there's nobody in this world that will hold, kiss, hug, or tuck your child in more than you.  There is nobody in this world that your child trusts more than you.  It's not a small undertaking.  At the beginning, though, keep it simple.  As a new parent, your job is to keep your baby fed and clean.  Your job is to hold her and talk to her and comfort her.  If you're doing these things, you're doing great!  You're kind of like a robot (get up, feed, put to sleep, get some sleep, eat, sleep, get up, feed, put to sleep...), and in that role, you're doing everything your child needs.  Laying the foundation is not as exciting as building the house, but without it, the house will fall.  Build your foundation of love and trust, and your child will grow.

It gets easier and more rewarding, you just have to slog through these first few months.  Go easy on yourself.  That first smile makes it all worth it.  I promise.

Love,
Natalie