Daily 5 for Christmas: Books For Preschoolers

Hi All,

My friend Lexi passed along a piece of advice from her dad, Rick.  He said, "Active toys make passive children, passive toys make active children."

Well, since having kids, those words have been my guidebook.  Many of you remember my "great cleanout" posts, where I cleansed my house of irritating items.  Many of those items were battery operated toys, active toys, that my kids watched without interaction.  Bye bye!

The holidays are coming, and what better gifts to give than those that help a child grow?  Over the next few weeks, I'm going to post some of my favorite toys.  These toys might make your kids (or your brother's kids) messy or loud, but they'll be better for it.  I'm going to post my favorite books, too.  I worked in a book store for a while.  I've got a lot.  Note: An entire series counts as one book.  Additionally, I'll have links posted for every item.  If you order items from Amazon through my blog, I will receive a small commission.  Not all items are from Amazon, though.  Additionally, feel free to purchase the item from your favorite retailer, especially if you shop at locally owned businesses.  Please note:  I will NOT be posting items based on their price.  I will post items based on my opinion of their quality of experience.  I do not own all of these items!

Day 1:  Holiday Reading for Preschoolers

Christmas Cookies: Bite-Size Holiday Lessons
by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
This beautiful book offers life lessons to children in the context of cookies.  Oh lord.  You will love this book!  Life lessons of sharing, tolerance, understanding, and love come to life with beautiful, whimsical illustrations.  This has become the story we read before our annual cookie-making day.  I cannot get through it without getting misty.  I cannot recommend this book enough.  This is my favorite Christmas book.  Bonus: there's a recipe for Sugar Cookies in the back.

The Night Before Christmas

by Clement Clarke Moore

illustrations by Grennady Spirin

Last Christmas was the first Christmas we read "The Night Before Christmas" to Alexandria.  She had just turned 3.  In addition to the outstanding illustrations (the shadows are incredible!), there is a brief history of the poem on the back book jacket.  This edition of the beloved peom is beautiful.

I Spy Christmas: A Book of Picture Riddles

by Jean Marzollo and Walter Wick

The "I Spy" engages children of all ages, and this edition is no different.  Ideal for preschoolers and kindergarteners, the "I Spy Christmas" book will surely get a child in your life excited for the holidays!

The Gift of Nothing

by Patrick McDonnel

Simple illustrations highlight the simple message of this charming book.  It's a nice lesson for children and for overindulgent adults.  We should all remember what is most important in our lives.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

by Dr. Seuss

What list of favorite Christmas books would be complete without "How The Grinch Stole Christmas"?!?!  Funny and touching, with the most outstanding, creative illustrations of all freaking time, this book will quickly become your child's favorite.

So that's it.  If you're looking for books for your favorite preschooler, these are my picks!

Love, Natalie

Getaway and Jokes

Sooo, I finished my text, and am now slogging through the final.  While I'm super excited about the course material, I'm just wanting to be done.  I should have worked on it this weekend, but instead...

We went to Park City!!!

My belovedest sister has the most outstanding pad, and Alexandria and I headed out for my niece's third birthday.  Alexandria went on an airplane and to the snow for the first time.  She played with her cousins and visited with her aunt and uncle.  We had an amazing time.

I imagined mother-daughter trips the moment we found out she was a girl, and this met every expectation.  I pictured chatting with my daughter, holding her hand, laughing together, enjoying each other's company.  To my surprise, all of that happened, and more.  She talks about interesting things, asks relevant questions, and makes interesting connections.  She is not fearless, but she is brave.  She is smart, funny, and best of all, she's nice.  She's empathetic.  She worked hard to remember each of our flight attendant's names.  I say all of this with one caveat: She's 4.  So, all of that gushing I just did, remember, she's all of those things in the context of being 4.  Also, she's trying really hard on the "Knock Knock" jokes, and is not really getting it.  Please submit your favorite "Knock Knock" joke (I'm all out).

I am so proud that she is my daughter.

Let It End

To those in the know, or those who care who may not be in the know but want to be, I am happy to report that I have a total of 3 chapters left in my certification program.

I am so thankful that so many people supported me in this endeavor.  I'm a little nervous, of course, but more excited than anything.  I am equally excited that I must engage in a lifetime of learning.  I am required to continue taking classes and staying abreast of new technologies, information, and techniques in the worlds of fitness and health.  I've decided to specialize as well, but I'll spill the beans on that when I enroll.  Until then, wish me luck in this final push, and then on my final.

Best Day of My Life

Today, I woke up at 5:45.  I got up.  I had my first cup of coffee.  I read the day's news.  I had my second cup of coffee.  I studied.  I took a quiz.  I got 100%.  I rock.

Marcus woke up around 7:00.  I went upstairs, gave him like a million kisses, changed him and got him dressed.

We ate breakfast together.  We each had eggs, oatmeal, 1/2 of a peach that was as big as my face, orange juice, and yogurt.  I had my third cup of coffee.

We played for a little.  Then he wanted to take a nap.  It was 9:00.

I read some more.  I studied more.  I took another quiz.  I got 100%.  I rocked again.  It never gets old.

Marcus woke up around 1:00.

We went downtown to Natural Cafe and ate a beautiful lunch together.  He did funny things and I laughed.

Then we went to the pet store.  I knew he'd like seeing the adoptable cats.  He also liked the fish.  We saw dogs getting groomed.  We looked at the birds.

Then we went to the bookstore.  We saw lots of people.  Marcus signed that he was tired.  We came home.

I made dinner for Marcus.  I sat with him while he ate it.  Then he had a bath.  I read "Goodnight Moon."

I held him in my arms and sang, "Moon River."  I'd never sung it as a lullabye.  I loved it.

That was the best day of my life.  What's more?  I'm probably going to do something like that again.

Tomorrow.

Unsolicited Advice for New Parents

I've got a couple of friends who are new parents and parents to-be.  As somebody who's been a new parent, I recall vividly the lost feeling of arriving home with Alexandria, wondering exactly what we were supposed to do.  Conceptually, I understood that we'd undertaken the most challenging task of our lives, but she was just sort of sleeping.  Wasn't something supposed to happen?

I recall feeling nervous the first night, since we'd already experienced two sleepless nights in the hospital. I felt unsure and insecure in the face of a 7 lb. person who could only cry.  The next few months would not be any different.

Two weeks into our parenting adventure, I realized that I hadn't slept more than 4 hours uninterrupted, yet I drove, made food, did laundry, and attempted to keep house.  I operated in constant state of sleep deprivation.  About a month into it, all of my stores of joy and excitement were depleted.  I took the night shift, and stayed up until 12 or 1 am for the midnight feeding.  Many nights, I simply could not console our little girl back to sleep.  She cried, screamed, and wailed, and I could only hold her helplessly, many times in tears.  She often worked herself into such a hunger-induced frenzy that she didn't realize for many minutes that she could nurse.  I would sit exposed with a crying baby at my chest, weeping, praying for her to latch on.

It was not fun.  It was not fun at all.  Until I joined a Baby and Me class, I didn't know that EVERY other parent shared a similar version of the same experience.  I needed that information.  I needed to know there was nothing wrong with me.  I needed to know that I was doing a good job, but that parenting is really tough.  I learned that some days you might not want to get out of bed, and that's OK.  There might even  be a part of you that resents this little person who won't let you sleep.  If you're concerned about the way you feel, consult your doctor.

So, my unsolicited advice to new parents is to drop the myth.  Just forget everything you heard about this being the happiest time of your life.

The first few months with a baby may not be "fun."  Your baby eats, sleeps, and poops.  You are the sole provider of everything, and she gives little or nothing in return.  No smiles, rolling over, laughing...nothing.  You experience the bittersweetness of switching out Newborn clothes to 0-3 Months, and upward.  You get excited when she drinks 6 oz. for the first time.  She'll never be 8 pounds again!  But it's not fun.  You may feel too exhausted to enjoy it.

If you don't feel like every day is Sunshine & Roses, you're not alone.  Millions of parents feel the same way.  How can anyone be expected to feel joy while operating on 13 hours sleep in 4 days?  You love this kid so much and would lie on the tracks for them, but man, if they would only let you sleep once through the night!
Here's what I'll tell you, though.  It ends.  I found that around 3 months, parenting starts getting fun.  You'll wake up one morning and realize, "I didn't get up last night.  She slept through the night!"  They begin to smile, coo, and giggle.  They recognize you.  They start doing "cute" things, like putting rings in their mouths and shaking rattles.  From there, life gets crazier, and exponentially more exciting.

Remember that there's nobody in this world that will hold, kiss, hug, or tuck your child in more than you.  There is nobody in this world that your child trusts more than you.  It's not a small undertaking.  At the beginning, though, keep it simple.  As a new parent, your job is to keep your baby fed and clean.  Your job is to hold her and talk to her and comfort her.  If you're doing these things, you're doing great!  You're kind of like a robot (get up, feed, put to sleep, get some sleep, eat, sleep, get up, feed, put to sleep...), and in that role, you're doing everything your child needs.  Laying the foundation is not as exciting as building the house, but without it, the house will fall.  Build your foundation of love and trust, and your child will grow.

It gets easier and more rewarding, you just have to slog through these first few months.  Go easy on yourself.  That first smile makes it all worth it.  I promise.

Love,
Natalie

Just Another Day

Dear World,

I am lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mom.  What that generally entails is sleeping in, eating a late breakfast, catching The View, chatting with girlfriends on the phone, going out for lunch, an afternoon run or trip to the gym, 5 o'clock glass of wine, early dinner, reading, and bed by 10.  It's pretty nice.

Hahahahah!

I decided to track my day, minute for minute, to really catch a glimpse in the life of a hands-on stay-at-home-mom.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

5:30 - Marcus wakes up waaaaay too early.  Dave gets up with him, brings him in bed with us.

6:30 - Marcus wakes me up.  Start your engines.

6:35 - First cup of coffee, watch Marcus play

6:45 - Stand on the patio and catch 58 seconds of a gorgeous sunrise before I'm needed again.

7:30 - Make breakfast for Marcus.  Steel-cut oatmeal with peanut butter and 1/2 banana and strawberry yogurt

7:45 - Alexandria wakes up

7:50 - Make my last cup of coffee

7:55 - Make breakfast for Alexandria.  Cereal with milk and 1/2 banana, orange juice, and water

8:05 - Dave leaves for work

8:11 - Marcus shows signs that he needs a nap

8:14 - Continue laundry, fold clean clothes

8:22 - Put clean clothes away, make my bed

8:30 - Alexandria and I create an activity on the computer where she takes "inventory" of household items (lamps, pillows, chairs, doors, etc).  The word is accompanied by a picture of the item.  She chooses every picture.

9:00 - Alexandria takes "inventory" of household items

9:12 - I eat a breakfast of cereal, milk, 1/2 banana, and green juice

9:19 - Clean up from breakfast

9:21 - Alexandria asks for orange juice with food coloring

9:27 - I get to brush my teeth and take my vitamins

9:28 - Alexandria needs a band-aid

9:34 - Rotate laundry, fold clean laundry

9:43 - Alexandria done with inventory

9:45 - Begin making sunflower and zinnia seed terrariums

10:12 - Clean up from terrarium project

10:16 - Alexandria begins decorating a straw hat with leftover craft supplies

10:21 - I get dressed

10:29 - Read one article on Huffington Post!

10:33 - Rotate laundry, begin folding laundry

10:39 - Alexandria needs a snack

10:48 - Finish folding laundry

10:49 - I get a snack!  Fat-free strawberry yogurt, crackers, and 22 oz water.

10:57 - Begin recopying notes.  Just kidding.  Alexandria wants "help" with her hat

11:06 - Recopy notes, 2nd attempt

11:11 - Alexandria needs help.

11:16 - Alexandria does not need help.  She just wants me to sit there while she ate her snack.  We agree that I can sit 2 yards away from her while recopying my notes.

11:23 - Alexandria done with her hat

11:30 - Marcus wakes up, Alexandria directed to begin picking up from the hat project.  I get Marcus dressed.

11:35 - Alexandria is finished cleaning up from her project, and is asked to pick out clothes for our outing to the beach.  I finish cleaning up from the morning projects.

11:59 - Alexandria still not dressed, but does not want my help.  Both kids are playing upstairs.  I circulate the aquarium water.

12:30 - We finally leave the house, packed with snacks (2 apples, string cheese, small pita rounds, pretzels, and edamame)  We bring water, sunscreen, and hats.

outing... flea market, walk along the beach, play at the beach playground, sand too hot, kids are hot and cranky, and the elevator in the parking structure is broken.

2:37 - We're home.  We unload the car, get cool drinks, change out of hot clothes.

2:45 - Dave calls.  We plan the next two months around his travel schedule, including Alexandria's birthday.  Alexandria requests repeatedly to talk to Dave.

3:00 - Off the phone with Dave.

3:10 - Chit-chat with neighbor
3:18 - Alexandria tells me she wants to do "something awesome."

3:23 - Get kids in bathing suits

3:30 - Turn on sprinkler in back yard for kids to play

3:35 - Sweep the floor while the kids are outside

3:47 - Check email, and make plans for the weekend with family

4:28 - Begin making dinner for the kids

4:37 - Kids eat early (they've been waking up really early, so I'm going to try giving them another meal before bed).  I sit with them to ensure that Marcus doesn't throw his plate of food on the ground.  Marcus throws a lot of food on the ground.  I give up.  I call my mom to cement plans for the weekend.

4:43 - I eat again!  Vanilla yogurt with protein powder.

5:49 - Start the bath

This is usually the part of the night when the day begins to unravel.  Alexandria is tired and asks a million questions to which she knows the answer, or that don't have an easy-to-understand explanation.  For instance, she'll ask, "Mommy, what's that?" pointing to the shampoo bottle.  She knows it's the shampoo bottle.  I ask, "What do you think it is?"  "It's the shampoo bottle."  "Why did you ask if you already knew?"  "Why is it called 'shampoo'?"  Mind numbing.  "Why are they pajamas?"  "Why is it a rug?"  I have to walk away or I'll get too frustrated with the constant interruption to whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish, like getting Marcus dressed, putting toys away, putting clothes away, etc.

This is what we accomplished during the unravelling: kids take a bath, get out, get jammies on, Alexandria watched a Leap Frog video (rare), I read 4 books to Marcus, and then both kids got hungry again.  They ate an egg, cottage cheese, strawberries, half of a banana, milk, and yogurt.  Then we brushed teeth, sang a lullabye, did hugs and kisses, and went to bed by 7:45.

8:10 - Marcus starts crying, and just wants to be rocked to sleep.  I oblige.

8:21 - Start cleaning up from dinner: Clean dishes, table, and placemat.  I mop the floor because it's officially too gross to deal with.

9:03 - Done.

I take a few minutes to read the day's news and decompress.

 

9:45 - Dave calls to tell me he's on his way home.  He'll be home in 30 minutes.

I put out the trashcan, pick up odds and ends, and head upstairs.  I recopy notes until 11:30 and fall asleep after a few minutes of tossing and turning.

When the day is over, I have been without support for 14 hours.  In the process, I have:

Made 3 full meals and at least 4 snacks for the kids

I ate 2 complete meals and a several snacks

Washed dishes 3 times

Put away 7 piles of clothes

Changed 5 diapers

Wiped down the kitchen table 3 times, the counters 4 times 

Climbed the stairs 26 times, for a total of 540 steps (that's 1/2 of my 30 min. stairmaster workout at the gym!)

Studied for a total of 45 minutes for my new career.

Staying at home with a four year-old and an 18 month-old beats is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But, like I said in this post, it's the most satisfying job I've ever had the priviledge of holding.

I'll do it again tomorrow.

Topics I'll Never Cover

On a lighter note...

I really like blogs.  I follow one about a Danish family living in Israel.  She posts really beautiful photos.  I follow one about Mod Podge.  It rocks!  I follow one about a lady who makes clothes from vintage patterns.  I just started following one with some of the funniest comic strips I've ever read.  The discussions  in the Forum are priceless.  I follow Cake Wrecks.

I'm attracted to unique writing styles and beautiful photos.  Some people write long posts.  Others say much with little.  I love the idea that a person's overflowing passion for a certain topic compels them to share that passion with the world.  Reading blogs is much like peeping through the window into a house, and you can only see a little bit, whatever they've put right there.  Sometimes sad, sometimes hilarious, sometimes witty, these posts represent another beautiful square in the human quilt.  I love it!

The irony the The Party of Four is how deeply personal it's become, yet I share it with everybody.  But even I know, there's stuff in my life I don't really need to share with strangers.  So I decided to compose a list of topics about which I probably will never write.

1.  Potty Training

It's a huge part of my life right now, and really, that's all you get to know.  Note:  I am not the one getting potty trained, just in case you thought it might be funny to leave a comment alluding to that.  I also know you are potty trained, so don't even go there.

2.  Craft Tutorials

I do a lot of crafty stuff, but 9 times out of 10, I don't have any direction.  Also, I'm usually making stuff with Alexandria, which means there is no time for photos.  And finally, I take horrible close-up shots.  I might do a post on What I Made, but there will be no instructions.  If you want to make it, you're going to have to wing it.

3.  What I Ate

These posts are really popular.  They're delightful if you know how to take great photos of food.  I do not.  I did one of these posts once, and even though the food was tres delish, the photo was horrible.  Even I was grossed out by it.  See above for additional reasons.  Ditto for Food I Make.

4.  How I Decorate My House

I'm not overly impressed with my interior decorating skillz, so I've got no need to show it off.  Nothing's ever quite finished, and frankly, it's just not a priority in our house.

5.  My Outfit

My style is...Momtastic.  It's definitely not blogworthy.  I'm not fashion forward or daring.  I'm not courageous at the thrift stores.  I dress practically, because there is a 100% change I will have snot/food/sidewalk chalk/glue/aquarium water/dishwater/juice on my shirt by the end of the day. Everything must be expendable.  Hello cheap from Old Navy!

6.  Makeup Tips/Tutorials

Again, these posts are really popular.  Again, I take horrible close up shots.  I should also mention that, although I wear eyeliner and mascara, I do not do so religiously.  I realized on Saturday that I hadn't worn makeup since Disneyland.  We went on Monday.  I am the worst advocate ever for makeup-wearing.

There you have it.  It's not really a round number, but six seems to cover things that I'm not overly interested in sharing.  The variety of topics that I will cover...well, that's to come.

One post at a time.

Thanks for reading!  First time visitors and lurkers alike, let me know you've stopped by!

So This Is How My Life Went

I wasn't always like this.  I used to be fun.

At age 23, Thursdays meant one thing: WeHo!  I dressed.  I looked fierce. So did the boys.  Really.  We'd pick up a friend in Long Beach, and zip off to Mickey's or The Hollywood Athletic Club (my fave).  We danced all night.  We cut smoke breaks short when a good song came on (this was at the height of N'Sync and Brittney, and it was so good). We ate at Jerry's Famous Deli.  We got home at 3.  We listened to Toni Braxton remixes for the warm-up and Celine for the cool-down.  We sang.  We laughed.  We'd leave for work by 8 or 9 the next morning and do it again, in some way, the next night.

Ten years later, I look at my life and marvel that my former self still resides in this older body.  Sometimes I still feel the weighlessness of that young person, on the brink of life and love exploding into possibility, but reality keeps my feet firmly on the ground.  I've made choices since then, taken on new responsibilities, created a much more complicated life than my uber-awesome work-friends-sleep dream.

The question I ask is this: "How happy am I?"  I see people my age and older without children and a mortgage.  I know some who genuinely do not want these responsibilities.  Then I consider the story of my life had we made different choices.  What if we'd decided to move to a nicer apartment instead and just continued renting?  What if I'd ignored my maternal drive and just lived to travel?  Could we have been happier if we'd decided to do that instead of this?

The answer is always yes.  Absolutely.

The answer is also no.

I compare some recent photos to those from just 5 years ago and notice creases around my eyes.  Dave's hair is more salt and less pepper.  In some photos, we just look tired.  Like life is making us tired.  Yet those physical markers may be symptomatic simply of our years, not our experience.  What about our experience, then?  Has life worn on us, leaving us hollow shells of our former selves?  Sometimes I feel pieces of the old me dwelling within, yet they seem disengaged from my everyday life.  There is simply no room right now for a free-spirited, impulsive, independent young woman in the life of a mother and wife.

Or is there?  Can I connect my selves, my fiercely independent, free-spirited, impulsive self with my please-brush-your-teeth-please-clear-your-plate-please-get-dressed-please-don't-put-your-fingers-in-the-hummus self?  Is there a place, either mental or physical, that I can go to embrace these two me's?

Yes.  It's called Disneyland.

Alexandria and I have annual passes, and we've gone about once every month that our pass allows.  It is there that I can be silly.  I can be impulsive.  I can dance, scream, and laugh to my heart's content, all the while being my child's mother.  For hours I exist as as my truest self, untouched by outside worries, unphased by far-off concerns.  It really is the Happiest Place on Earth, because I can't seem to recall the stresses that keep me so worried.  It's like being immersed in a jar of pure joy. (Hint to any family members reading: renewing our passes would be an excellent birthday or Christmas gift)

So, maybe I don't need the 23 year-old me all the time.  There's a lot of things I don't like about her.  She was not driven.  She had little or no direction.  She was fun, but irresponsible.  She drank too much and ate relatively unhealthy food, except when she was in training for a big sports-type thing.

If I'd stayed in that moment, that perpetual cycle of work-friends-sleep, I can imagine being happy.  I imagine I would set goals and reach them with relative ease by building an achievement schedule around work and social time.  I see travelling with Dave, filling time and spending money because we'd have enough of both.  I'd buy stuff for our apartment, and then decorate, and then redecorate.  We'd have our cat.  We'd be happy.  I cannot imagine, however, being satisfied.

While being tired because my baby woke up at 4:30 am does not make me happy, the satisfaction of being the person he needs, and then getting through the next day, compares with little else.  I take tremendous pride in my life, my achievements as a wife and mother.  The extras I accomplish, the projects with Alexandria and Marcus, pursuing a hobby, attempting a new career, writing about my deepest insecurities for all 20 of you to read, fill me with something other than pride.  They simply fill me.  In all of this, I am fulfilled.

So when I ask, "How happy am I?", the answer may not matter.  I may be filled with happiness one day, and thoroughly unamused the next.  But those feelings are temporary.  They may inspire me to make a small change in one aspect of my life, or thrill in another.  But the resounding constant in my life is satisfaction.  Seeing through a commitment I made to raise people, love them, and nurture them causes all other achievements to pale in comparison.  I am satisfied every day, sated by the complexity of experiences life continues to give me.

Love The One You're With

I really love this blog (see button on the bottom left).  When I have a few minutes, I take time to read what she writes.  Lauren is funny, honest, stylish, and witty.  Though, the thing I love most about her posts is the value she places on her marriage.

While many readers who are older or who have been married for many years may be cynical about her outlook, or even think she's a little corny (which I LOVE!), I find her perspective unusually refreshing.  When I first started reading her posts, I thought, "Is she serious?!?!  Nobody is that gushy."  However, after nearly 2 years of following, I'm kind of gushy like that, too.  And (surprise?), my marriage is better and stronger than ever.

Now, my interest in all things health-related is no secret (unless I've never mentioned it, in which case, the cat's out of the bag), and I was recently introduced to a concept called "Blue Zones" by Dan Beuttner.  Please note: I have not yet read the book!  However, after exploring the accompanying website, I learned some valuable information regarding the keys to health.  Mr. Beuttner's plan for optimum health and well-being is described in the following 9-point plan:

1.  Move (find ways to move mindlessly, make moving unavoidable)

2.  Plan de Vida (know your purpose in life)

3.  Down Shift (work less, slow down, rest, take vacation)

4.  80% Rule (stop eating when you're 80% full)

5.  Plant-Power (more veggies, less protein and processed foods)

6.  Red Wine (consistency and moderation)

7.  Belong (create a healthy social network)

8.  Beliefs (spiritual or religious participation)

9.  Your Tribe (make family a priority)

Now, I am not interested in dissecting each point and explaining the ways in which we can adjust our lives to fit into this plan.  Although, I think this is a pretty awesome blueprint for longevity and healthful living.

I am interested, though, in pointing out how reading Lauren's blog fits in to the overall wellness of the community of over 1, 500 people who follow her.  Lauren's belief in the importance of marriage and her reinforcement of that belief through her writing encourages each reader to seek out the good in their own relationships.  She may publish a post describing the joyful events of her weekend with her husband, and then ask, "What brought you joy this weekend?"

Most responders share a moment with their spouse or boyfriend, or a moment shared with friends.  In this way, Lauren creates #7, a healthy social community to which readers belong.  Healthy living, happiness, and joy are the foundation on which this ongoing dialogue is based, and readers do find these qualities in their own lives.  The search for good soon becomes effortless. 

The importance of belonging to a healthy community of people can mean many things.  As Beuttner points out, joining a running group builds a sense of belonging, and healthy people encourage each other to live healthfully.  Likewise, joining a group of people who value marriage builds a sense of belonging, and encourages the kind of nurturing that a healthy marriage requires.  Additionally, I sought these relationships in real life, and the women with whom I associate all share the same love of their husbands, and place the same value on their marriage.  No priority trumps marriage.  None.

This November will mark the 10-year anniversary of our first date.  As of writing, we've been married for 4 and a half years.  While much of our marriage has been frought with intense financial stress, family stress, and stress from outside forces, I've learned that my marriage is the most stable, sustaining force in my life.  The world could be crumbling around me, and Dave is there, every time, to keep me from falling.  As his wife, my job is to be that force for him.  When he comes home from work, I try to make our home a haven of peace and security (although with two kids, am I attempting the impossible?).  I work, happily, to be the person for him that he is to me.  What greater purpose could I find than to be a force of security to my spouse?  In turn, the side effect of our strong marriage is the example we set for our children.  We hope that our children see the value of human beings, respect each other, and love fealessly.

Neither of us is perfect.  We're not going to get it right every time.  But effort is the key, and we try to get better.  Working on my marriage is a daily task, and it is joyful work.  The rewards are endless, sustaining, satisfying. 

What have you done today for someone you love?

All The Single Ladies...

I've got to admit something.  Sometimes Facebook really pisses me off.

I see the following status update at least once a week, "I have so much respect for single mothers.  My husband is working late/out for the evening/away on business, and I had the kids all alone tonight!"  A slurry of sympathetic comments from other moms (inevitably, one is single) follows, offering, "Oh, I totally know!  It's so hard when (husband name X) works at night" or "You're such an awesome mom!"  Gag.  The token single mother friend usually offers a "Thanks.  It's hard."

Comparing one three-hour stint with two kids to being a single mother seems rather dismissive and insulting to single mothers.  What do you think?

Two of my neighbors raised their children as single mothers, as did several women in my family.  Many of my friends grew up between two households.  Here's what I know from them.

As a single mother:

• You don't get a break.  Nobody usually comes home at 5 to take over baths or story.  He's not away on business, and he's not going to tell you how strong and awesome you were while he was gone.  You won't get a phonecall.  You won't get a sympathetic ear or a hug.  You won't even get a pat on the back.  You'll get to wake up the next day and do it all over again.
• You probably don't get the luxury of choosing to be a stay at home mom.
• You don't have a partner to share household duties.  You make dinner and clean up the dishes.
• You can swallow your pride and accept spousal support, or not.  Both options suck.
• Everything is a balancing act, and there's only one leg for support.  You.  Work schedules must bend around school plays, soccer games, Open House, parent-teacher conferences, and Back to School Night.
• You change every diaper, change the liner, and take out the trash.  Every time.  Ditto for the potty training toilet and soiled training pants.  Ditto for homework, bathtime, hair washing, teeth brushing, story time, lullabye, and lights out.  Ditto for breakfast, cleanup, dressing, teeth brush, and out the door on time.  Ditto for everything. 
• You balance childcare, getting the oil changed in the car, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, cooking, and sleeping.  And maybe, just maybe, there's a little time in there for yourself.

Single mothering is more than having the kids all day because your husband is working late.  Single mothers make every decision by themselves.  They can't send somebody out on a diaper run while the little one is napping.  They raise children on one income.  They work at a job and then come home and work.  They do the whole thing, every day, with little or no support.

I've mentioned that Dave travels, and for a while during a very difficult time in our life, I'd tell people I was "single mommin' it."  But I knew there was a second income.  I knew I could call him.  I knew that if it got really tough, I had in-laws nearby.  The single mother is afforded none of these luxuries.  I'll never say that again.

Next time I see a married somebody post that they've had a really tough day with their two kids and bladdy bladdy blah and blah blah I have so much respect for single mothers blah blah, I probably won't say anything, because FB fights are waaaay lame.  But I'm just throwing this out there.  I think it's slightly disrespectful.

Three cheers for single mothers.  You women are amazing.